Thursday, March 15, 2007

My hope in the human race has been restored

At approximately 0020 hours, at the Chatterbox Pub aka The Box located in Minneapolis, Minnesota, I witnessed an act that made me re-believe in the human race, not as a whole but in a small faction of people whom I'm proud to know. What was so profound that I had to blog about it you ask? Well, little one I'll tell you.

I witnessed The Music Bingo/Blogger Mafia consume copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and some chiefly feasts to boot. At the end of the night when presented their tab, they discovered a discrepancy. The Mafia was undercharged by a considerable amount. Their tab may have been a little light out of fear or respect, I guess we'll never know. The Mafia brought this to the attention to The Box manager Jay, whom I call White Chocolate. After much debate with the other Box staff, White Chocolate brought a new tab back to the Mafia table and charged them even less. This heroic act of integrity made me ashamed of all the times I'd been undercharged and never said a word. I'd like to recognize the following people who made my night who were there at the time:

Aliecat, Sandra, Jeremy, & this chick named Amanda who has a fabulous rack (according to Jeremy)

For the Mafia who were not there I have no doubt that you would've done the same thing.

For the rest of the world, please use integrity or fuck off.

P.S. Hedy & Lesley I personally miss you.

And I'd also like to announce my new DJ name as "DJ HOMES"


Friday, March 2, 2007

Rheopalooza 2007

In order to get to know people I always ask them what bands they would have play at their own Lollapalooza Festival. The rules are you can invite 10 "acts", dead or alive. Here are mine in no particular order:

The Cure

Social Distortion

The Clash

The Beastie Boys

Van Halen (Diamond Dave on Vocs)

Tony Bennett

Bob Marley



Armand Van Helden (DJ)


Thursday, March 1, 2007

I wear women's clothing & cry myself to sleep

A couple of months ago I won a trip to Cancun from B-96 an “urban” radio station in Mpls.

I usually never listen to B-96 but for some reason that morning I was in dire need of hearing some shitty rappers telling me how much Cristal they drink, “ice” on their watches and classy hoes they pull. I’ve actually had some Cristal before in VIP with the lead singer of Korn and we were surrounded by strippers but that’s another story. Maybe I spell Cristal wrong, who the fuck cares?

Anyway, Dr. Phil was running a promotion on the radio and people could call in and qualify for round trip airfare, and hotel accommodations for two. The morning crew wanted peple to call in with their problems and they would attempt to solve them. The person with the most crazy problem would win. So I listened in to the callers who pretty much had some lame run of the mill problems such as: my boyfriend won’t commit, I cheat on my girlfriend, I found out my boyfriend has a boyfriend, etc. Big fuckin’ deal who’s never had that shit happen? I decided to call in and be creative. So here’s what I said: I told them that I’m a fairly good lookin’ dude and I go out clubbing a lot and I try to pick up chicks. My problem was that I always get rejected for some reason so I end up going home and I put on a dress, a wig, and some makeup, and I cry my self to sleep and in the morning I feel better. I totally sold it. I swear the whole studio pissed them selves. So they started fucking with me telling me that I was a gay cross dresser who just needed to find the right person who would accept me for me yada yada. We went round and round for a couple of minutes asking me where I got my clothes and shit like that, but I stayed in character and I won the qualifier for that day. The prize was a 100$ Visa card and a Dr. Phil coffee mug. Pretty cool I thought.
The next day I get a call from the producer of the show telling me that I’m a finalist and to call in to the studio and see if I’d win. So I started getting nervous because if did win I thought I’d have to go on the Dr. Phil show, so I’m live on the air and they make me tell me story again. So again I stayed in character I forgot to tell you I called myself “Ramon” so anyway they had there fun with me because they actually bought it. Some other qualifiers called in as well and the morning crew debated and they announced me as the winner! So I got a trip valued at $3900 bucks according to the tax form I had to fill out. I received 2 round trip tickets on Northwest Airlines, and 4 days at the all-inclusive Azul Beach Hotel in Cancun. I found out I didn’t have to go on Dr. Phil, which I would’ve cause it was a pretty sweet prize, and I got to tell you this kick ass story.
Now you’re probably wondering if my story was true, and if it wasn’t, how the hell did I come up with it? I’ll tell you, about 8 years ago I was listening to Love Line with Adam Carolla & Dr. Drew on the world famous KROQ in LA, and some sick fuck actually told this story on the air. I never forgot it and always told this story to people like it was my own so I could mind fuck them. Now thanks to that sick fucker and ability to bullshit people I won a vacation.

The end...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My non-celebrity ipod playlist

  1. Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away) - The Deftones Too personal, thanks Chino.
  2. Don't Follow - Alice in Chains Great to play when depressed.
  3. Heroine Girl - Everclear Makes me want to throw glass bottles.
  4. Chemistry - Jawbreaker It captures my high school dayz.
  5. My My My (StoneBridge Remix) - Armand Van Helden When I feel like dancing.
  6. The Rain Falls and the Sky Shudders - Moby Gives me goosebumps.
  7. Get Fly - Atmosphere Best shit I've heard in the last couple of years.
  8. No Vaseline - Ice Cube The best diss song on wax.
  9. Shook Ones Pt.II - Mobb Deep Damn I wish I was a gangsta.
  10. Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye If your body doesn't have rhythm leave the floor!
  11. Up All Night - Unwritten Law My 20's.
  12. Just Like Heaven - The Cure Reminds me when I first met the Wifey.
  13. Hand Springs - The White Stripes A song with a story is a novel idea.
  14. The Symphony - Big Daddy Kane, Craig G, Kool G. Rap, Marley Marl & Masta Ace Dope.
  15. Radio - Rancid "Never knew what a good time was till' I had a good time with you"
  16. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC My mom actually burned this record at church.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I look like shit in a wife-beater

Disclaimer: I know that "wife-beater" is inappropriate and my apologies go out to the offended, but if it makes you feel better, my wifey calls them "man-beaters".

Anyway, I've decided to start using my Chuck Norris home gym contraption and make my man boobs disappear. I'm turning 33 this spring & I feel like such a slob. I think I'm on the verge of a pre-midlife crisis. Fuck.

Friday, February 9, 2007

I'm popping my cherry

Feb. nine, 200Se7eN: My first ever blog

It's Friday & i called in sick to my shadowy government job because my son is sick. I'm sure a few hours from now I'll be kicking his ass in Halo 2, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel better. Anyway, and this is gonna sound bad, but I'm sorta happy he was violently puking this morning, he's going to be just fine so I'm still in the running for Father of the Year again so no worries there, but this gives me a chance to take care of him in a motherly way, the kid is 14 now and can fend for himself, I just need to leave him money on the nightstand like a hooker. I am the king of run-on sentences. Last week he used my credit card and ordered pizza on line. How fucking great is that? I am a huge fan of initiative and credit card fraud by the way. And any chance to show my boy that I care about him is the shit.
So last night I DJ'd Music Bingo at the Chatterbox aka the box, at the Highland Park location. If you've never Music Bingo'd, instead of calling out O-69 or B-1, I play random songs, and you just have to match clues i.e. song titles, artist names, misc. trivia associated with each song and you win a prize. Some of the prizes are decent but I think my daughter has won better shit playing ski ball @ Chucky Cheese it's free and I get paid an obscene amount of money to run it. I do this Weds. @ the Box in Mpls. and again on Thurs. @ Highland Park. Oh I had a point in all of this, I said I DJ'd Music Bingo and quite honestly I don't really DJ for this gig I mainly just pop in a CD and and press play. "It's so easy a caveman can do it". My wife switched us to Geico and we actually save money on car insurance. Anyway, I can really DJ when afforded the opportunity but @ the Box it just press play. You should come out and play sometime. I'm nice.
I prefer the Mpls. Box vs. Highland Park even though it's 2 blks. from my house. Highland Park has too many "preppies" & old fucks. Now Mpls. that's the place to be. It's not the limited space I have to work in, or the uneven sound system, or the shitty parking, or the fact that I have to deal with the traffic lights and lightrail traffic on Hwy. 55, it's the employees of The Box & most importantly the people that come in that make it so enjoyable. I wish I could come in & play music bingo one night with the little people (just kidding) I've never met a more kick ass group of people in a long while than that of the "regulars" who play each Weds. It's weird because I just started learning alot of their names recently and I've had numerous conversations with all of them regarding my hot wife, my kids, my daughter's Shitzu, pop culture, blood for oil, and the meaning of life etc. Speaking of my daughter's Shitzu, Little Miss Cookie just pooped right in front of me. Gotta go.